So we’ll just let things take their course and never be sorry.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
Sometimes my success means doing well at my job, being a good friend and helpful human, learning something new, actively trying to make the world a little better, making tangible strides in my life, and seeking out new experiences.
Sometimes my success is being able to force myself out of bed long enough to take a shower and attempt to eat something. And sometimes I am not even successful in my ability to do that.
Though very different and hardly comparable, both kinds of success are real.
I know for a fact that this is not only true for me. What I do not know is whether or not that is a good or bad thing. On one hand, thank god I’m not special in this and feelings of being ripped in half can give a semblance of relatability. On the other hand, I’m sorry to know that other people have to deal with this shit too. It is not fun and it is not pretty. But it is what we’ve got to work with.
The goal is to continuously and consciously choose to work with it. Choose to take each day as it comes. Choose to stop getting revenge on yourself when the most productive thing you were able to do in a day was brush your teeth. Try not to think about the possibility that forcing yourself out of bed is as good as it is going to get for you. It will get better. It has to, right?
I’ve spent most of my adolescent life and all of my adult life worried that the pendulum won’t swing back in my favor. Worried that at some point, I won’t be able to find my way back out of the pit and back to the person who is an active participant in their own life. Worried that I am doing something wrong and that that is the reason for such a stark contrast. Worried that everyone else knows. Surely everyone will find out that I am not perfect but I can’t seem to give up on the notion that I need to be. Who would I be if I didn’t have this crippling need to make everyone proud but constantly pretend that I am cool and unaffected?
It’s like me, anxiety, and isolation are partners on a group project that happens to be my life.
More recently, I started talking. I don’t always talk about it and I certainly don’t talk about all of it. But if you ask me, I will do my best to be honest. I will do my best to tell you that I am overwhelmed and not even close to okay. That does not mean that I need you to comfort me. It means that I am trying so hard to replace my need to be perfect with a need to be real. It’s not going too well at the moment. But I will keep trying.
This blog was not started with the intent to be a working catalog of my mental health. However, the only way for me to talk about my life and not feel like an asshole is for you to know a little about where I am.
This is where I am. It’s not pretty. I think that’s okay.