And On That Day

Your crooked smile and personality that has never known a stranger

The way sunshine seems to follow you around and how there are never enough hours in the day for you

I see you and know how this ends for you

Do you hear me

I am not like you

 

You tell me

“You’re so smart”

Not if you know me

One day you will notice how I say fuck and ummmm when I lose my train of thought

You will notice how I say the right thing but never do the right thing

You will notice the resume that doesn’t always add up to a life

 

“You’re so kind”

Not if you have seen kindness

One day you will notice the frown that I wear like a protest

You will notice the short answers followed by awkward eye contact and balled up fists

You will notice that sometimes I leave my phone places on purpose so that I don’t have to talk to my friends

 

“You’re so beautiful”

Not if you look closely

One day you will notice the hook shaped scar under my lip from tripping and smashing my face into a bathroom sink

You will notice the perpetual blisters on my feet and my hands that are tougher than a blacksmith’s

You will notice my shaking legs and the way certain light makes me look dead

 

“You’re so cool”

Not if you have ever gotten close

One day you will notice how my muscles tense anytime I try to give a hug and the riot that is my blood

You will notice how I jump and twitch if touched unexpectedly and how I sneak out of parties at the first possible moment I know nobody will notice

You will notice that my skin is never calm enough to be cool

 

“You’re so complex”

Not if you ask me a question

One day you will notice that I don’t know how to be anything other than direct

You will notice that I don’t protect feelings when I should and I have about as much subtlety as a shotgun

You will notice the way my favorite days follow the same pattern and how I am not just some giant metaphor like you thought

 

One day you will notice that I am real

We just met but you have known me for your entire life and were unimpressed

Like the embroidered towels at your mother’s house, you never gave enough thought to know know if you liked or disliked

And in the day when you actually notice me

That hipster manic pixie infatuation of yours will die

You will realize that killing time is wasted on something so real

You will lose interest again like a slow fade out and nobody will be any wiser- especially you

To you, my story will end

 

But I am still here

I am not an easy person to have around

I know I am made of sharp edges and frustrated expectations

Do you hear me

I am not like you

But I am still here whether that’s enough for you or not

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