I Think That Might Mean Something

More and more I think my life is just continuously figuring the places I can’t live

The people I can’t stand

The feelings I can’t deal with 

And I’m starting to think that I might be one of those people and I think my body might be one of those places and I think every feeling past numb might be one of those feelings

And unfortunately that makes way too much sense if I think about it

So I try not to think about it too much

I just keep crossing bridges and then burning them and using that for warmth

I think I pretend I’m too distracted by the flickering light that I don’t notice the way my chest is a fire place and my mind is full of gasoline

And I don’t speak enough to let the smoke out so that stays in my throat like a chimney and burns and I don’t think about how that feels really good

I think of the fire alarms in my head that are more soothing than a lullaby at this point which is odd

But then I think it’s because they remind me that there is a chance it’s almost over for me and it’s not so odd anymore

And that’s a bit depressing if I think about it too much

My life is just a 13th floor apartment with no fire escape 

But I don’t think that really matters because like I said, I’m the fire and no teacher or doctor or priest or friend or midnight infomercial prepares you for that

And I think I’m supposed to know better 

I’m supposed to know that the way I think about things is not necessarily how they are but what difference does that make if I live in my head and my thoughts are the only things have lasted this long in my life

See, I haven’t changed much really

Which is to say that the first time I remember thinking about how pointless and futile life is I was 6

I’m sort of the joke in my family but it’s that sad kind of joke

The sort of one where you have to chuckle at the truth because if you think too hard you’ll kind of just want to die

And I think I think too much but I’m not sure because I’m still here and I think that might mean something

Change your thoughts to change your life but where to start

See, I think at some point I started relating thoughts and anxiety 

And then confused anxiety and productivity 

And I think I started mistaking productivity for validation 

And then I think I started relating validation and value

Which is to say that thought and value are the same to me and if I lose my thoughts then

But I also think about my value and the paradox therein 

What is my value next to the value of a name 

And what if the world doesn’t speak my name anymore

I think that thought really got to me

I went to the river last night and I think washed my value down that river last night and I don’t think I miss it

Because the thoughts are still here and I think that might mean something for me

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